Right Now

Things aren't going well.

I think I made that pretty clear in my last post.

I'm really trying hard to improve and I think I have in some areas. Which for just a week of being here, is really great. But it's not enough.

Today I got a phone call.
It was my elective coordinator.
She wanted me to come in to go over how the elective was going.

Not good.
I spent the hour before the meeting spazzing out (figuratively and literally- I've had some twitching issues lately). I spent about 30 minutes crying before I marched up to the office resolved to face the music.

You see, I knew exactly what she was going to say. I know, probably better than anyone, how much I need to improve and what needs work. Pretending that I don't would be ridiculous. I might suck clinically, but I'm not stupid.

I walked into the office and she told me to sit down. I did.  She smiled and asked me, "How's the elective going so far?"

I knew she'd ask. I might as well tell the truth: "Challenging" I replied.
That's a nice word, had I of been in other company I would have said, "miserable." But I think she got the gist. It's not what you say, but how you say it.

From there she delved into the issue as nicely as she possibly could.
I wish everyone would just stop being nice and say it. Beating around the bush just makes it worse when it does come out.

Basically, the attending's are used to treating 4th years like interns and having them be able to take patients on their own. I obviously am NOT ready to do that yet. I'm not yet at the point where I can make any sort of diagnosis or treatment plan or anything like that on my own. And quite frankly it sucks, because I want to be there and I am trying to be.

So today was spent, "reassessing the goals of the elective."
Her words not mine.
An e-mail is also going to be sent out telling all of my future attending's that I'm basically incompetent, okay well not incompetent but inexperienced (same difference). And that they should expect less of me than they do for other students in the same year.

And even though these are all things that I already knew, it hurts.

It hurts...