Today, when I was getting ready to go to the lab for some extra study time, it hit me. I live in Poland alone. I'm going to medical school. One day two years from now I'm going to be a doctor, and people are going to come to me for their life and death problems. That's scary.
It's scary because I don't think of myself as an adult. But, I don't think of myself as a kid anymore either.
I don't know what I am. I make my own decisions, I have my own apartment, my own bills, my own dog, but I don't feel like I think an adult should. I feel like I'm pretending to be grown up, when really I'm just the same old immature person who enjoys watching Disney movies.
I think this all came up because next week is my birthday. My 23rd birthday. I'm not even that old. But, old enough I guess to be thinking like this. I mean, there are people my age all over who aren't even grown up enough to cook themselves dinner at night or make a budget for the month - they just want to have fun, that's all they can see in their future.
Don't get me wrong, I want to have fun too, but I feel like I can't. I feel like I have to keep trying to become who I'm supposed to be. For goodness sake I still have a self imposed bedtime, I don't drink, I don't party, I don't dance, I don't do anything remotely age appropriate. Why do I have this stupid obsession with acting like an adult?!? Why do I have to grow up faster than everyone else? Why can't I just stick my heels in the sand and let time drag me slowly through the threshold of adulthood?
Because that's not me.
I'm not ready to be an adult yet, but I think I am. It's a strange place. So until I get the hang of it, I guess I'll just keep pretending I know what I'm doing until one day I wake up and it's not an act anymore, and I really am "grown up."
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