Studying

In the past month or so that I've been out of class I've been trying to study. The USMLE is everything for me, I have to pass, I have to do well - or I won't even be considered for a residency in the US, let alone the residency of my choice.

I want so much to do well. And yet, when I sit down to study I can't stand it. I fidget, I day dream, I organize my highlighters. I make it a point to do at least 20 pages of first aid a day, which might not seem like a lot but it could take me upwards of four hours to just do that. And after five hours I'm shot, I can't go on, I literally start falling asleep at the desk.

I've heard about people who basically lock themselves in the library. People who study 10+ hours a day. How do they do it. How can I do it?

And then there's the questions. I did about twenty biochem questions today and out of that I got around five right. FIVE. Am I even learning anything by doing all of this reading? Did I even learn anything in my first two years of medical school? What am I doing with myself?

I want to do well.

But something keeps telling me that I won't.

What happens if I don't pass? What happens if I don't match?
What then?

I keep trying, I keep studying. I just want one thing, and I don't even know if I can do it based on my scores right now.

I need help. I need a sign. Anything.